“But I have nothing to offer, Leonard. I don’t even know who my dad is.”
She never felt love all her life. Mas sanay siyang magbigay. Ngayong sinasabi nitong mahal siya nito, di niya alam kung paano iha-handle. Is it possible? Na mamahalin nga nito ang katulad niya?
He caressed her face. “ I don’t care who you are. I just want to love you. Gusto ko lang naman na mahalin mo rin ako.”
Di niya ito direktang matingnan. Hindi siya ang tipo ng tao na madaling sabihin kung ano ang totoong nararamdaman niya. “You came into my life creating havoc with my emotions. Kahit ang sarili ko di ko na nakikilala dahil sa iyo. You made me feel good and alive.”
Ikinulong nito ang mga kamay niya sa palad nito. “You are also in love with me, right?” Niyakap siya nito. “I really love you, Cindra.”
Ipinikit niya ang mga mata. How those simple words could change her whole world. His arms were warm around her. Then she felt him kiss her forehead then her nose and cheeks. He showered kisses all over her face. It was like a dream. Only it was real this time. And reality is sweeter than fantasy. She wanted it to go on forever.
Kumunot ang noo niya nang malamig na hangin ang dumapo sa balat niya. Idinilat niya ang isang mata. He was just standing there, staring at her.
“Is that all?” tanong niya.
“I am just trying to be more romantic.”
“Romantic? I am dying of anticipation here!”
He made her shut up when he claimed her lips. Malakas ang tibok ng puso niya. It was a light pressure at first. Until the intensity built up, intensifying the pleasure. It was the kind of kiss that made her knees weak. She wound her hands at the back of his neck to support her self. So this is what a real kiss felt. As if she was breathing life from him.
The kiss was strong yet it didn’t scare her. Inaalalayan lang siya ni Leonard. It wasn’t a simple kiss. It was love! No other man could make her feel that way. Only Leonard had the right to claim her lips. Dahil ito lang ang lalaking mamahalin niya.
“Are you okay?” he rasped against her ear.
“More okay than ever.” He gave a kiss that made her head swirl like the howling wind blowing outside. But it felt so good. “Teka, aalis ka pa rin ba?”
“Oo. I have to see Dashielle this holiday. Are you coming with me?”
“Isasama mo ako sa Australia?”
“Yes. Gusto kitang ipakilala kay Mommy at kay Dashielle. Naka-ready na nga ang ticket mo. Sagot mo na lang ang hinihintay ko.”
“Of course I am coming with you.” She wouldn’t miss the chance to spend the holiday with him. Her first holiday with the man she loves. “Pero bago iyan, dapat makilala mo muna ang mommy ko.”
“I am sorry, Leonard. I never thought that Mom would be this late. Usually, nakauwi na siya ng eleven. Wala namang sinabi ng assistant niya na may iba silang pupuntahan ngayon. Samantalang alam niyang uuwi ako.”
Ihinatid niya ito sa gate ng bahay nila. Pabalik na ito sa bahay ng mga Lizardo sa White Plains. Alas onse na kasi ay di pa dumadating ang mommy niya para ipakilala dito. Samantalang kanina pa silang alas singko nang hapon doon.
He pressed a kiss on her forehead. “Its okay. Babalik naman ako bukas. I will call you later.” Nasa White Plains kasi ang ibang Lizardo upang doon magdiwang ng Pasko. Sa Australia naman sila magba-Bagong Taon dahil kasalukuyang naroon ang kapatid ni Leonard na si Dashielle at naghahanda para sa Australian Open.
Pagkaalis ni Leonard ay sa garden siya naglagi. Ipinatong ni Nana Lupe ang jacket sa balikat niya. “Malamig dito. Matulog ka na. Pagod ka pa sa biyahe.”
“Dito lang po ako. Gusto ko pong hintayin si Mommy.”
“Iyong nobyo mong si Leonard. Guwapo pala. Ngayon wala nang tutukso sa iyo na wala kang boyfriend. Maiinggit pa sila sa iyo ngayon.”
Yumakap siya sa baywang nito. “Thanks, Nana Lupe.”
“Boto ako para sa binatang iyon. Mukhang mabait. Dapat lang naman dahil mabait kang bata. Bagay na bagay kayong dalawa.”
“Did I miss something here?” tanong ng mommy niya. Nakapamaywang ito habang ang isang kamay ay hawak ang sequined pouch nito.
“Mom!” Humalik siya sa pisngi nito. “Kanina ko pa kayo hinihintay.”
“I thought you’d spend your Christmas in Sagada.”
“You are the only family I got. Of course I will spend the holidays with you. And I have good news for you. I already have a boyfriend.”
“Oh, really?” she expressed with lack of interest. She just opened her cigarette case and pulled out a stick of Cuban women’s cigar.
Ipinagpatuloy lang niya ang pagkukwento. She was too excited to care. “He is an international performing artist. Nakapag-perform na siya sa iba’t ibang bansa sa mundo. He even got the chance to perform for important dignitaries including Prince William. He is now helping our cultural group in Sagada. Nandito po siya kanina at hinintay kayo. Pero late na po kayong dumating kaya bukas na lang siya babalik. I hope that you won’t leave tomorrow, Mom.”
“What is his name?” she asked as she puffed smoke.
“Leonard Lizardo.”
“A Lizardo, I see.”
“He is Uncle Martin’s son.”
Natigilan ito sa paghitit ng sigarilyo. “With whom?”
“Leonard’s mom is Emily Gomez.”
“That slut!” her mom said in a high shrill voice. “Martin has a son with her?”
“Mom, don’t say that.” It was evident that she was dismayed.
“Well, I will say it again. Your boyfriend’s mother is a slut.” Pumasok ito sa bahay at tinungo ang bar. She poured herself a glass of whiskey. Noon lang niya ito nakitang natensiyon. “That woman seduced Martin and pushed him to death. Then she’ll show up with her kid? What does she want? Money.”
“Leonard’s mom has more pride than that,” she defended. “It was the Lizardos who discovered about Leonard’s identity themselves. Hindi naman humingi ng tulong ang mommy ni Leonard nang buhayin niya ang mga anak nila.”
“Shut up, Cindra! I know Emily! She’s a bitch! Nagkukunwari siyang inosente pero alam ko ang plano niya. And I know her better than you do. You shouldn’t see her son from now on. At hindi mo na siya patutungtungin sa bahay ko!”
Huminga siya nang malalim. She could barely breathe. Parang may may mabigat na bato sa dibdib niya. Akala niya ay magiging maayos na ang lahat sa relasyon nila ni Leonard. Minsan na nga lang siya magkaka-boyfriend, tinututulan pa ng mommy niya. “I love Leonard! You barely know him. Kilalanin muna ninyo siya.”
“Hindi ko na siya kailangang kilalanin. With her mother’s caliber…”
“Give him a chance,” malumanay niyang pakiusap. “Kung anuman ang problema ninyo ng mommy ni Leonard, huwag ninyo kaming idamay.”
Wala siyang planong makigulo sa away ng magulang nila ni Leonard. She just wanted to be happy for once in her life. Hindi ba madali iyon?
“Listen! Sundin mo ako dahil ako ang mommy mo!”
Mula pagkabata ay sunud-sunuran siya sa mommy niya. She wanted to please her. Para naman matapunan siya nito ng pagmamahal. Sa pagkakataong iyon, di niya magawang sundin ang gusto nito. “I am old enough to know what is good for me. Why don’t you just let me be happy, Mom?”
“You don’t deserve to be happy because you made my life miserable!”
Natigagal siya. “Mommy?” Pakiramdam niya ay tinamaan siya ng matalim na kidlat. Namanhid ang buo niyang katawan. She just stood there and stared at her.
Mapait itong ngumiti at tinungga ang natitira pang brandy. “You heard it right. Everytime I see you, you remind me of my wretched life. I never got the chance to marry the man I love. Hinanap ko siya sa ibang lalaki pero wala siyang katulad. And your stupid father got me pregnant! I don’t even love him. And everytime I see you, I hate my life more and more.”
Nangilid ang luha sa mata niya. Subalit parang ayaw niyong pumatak. Even her own tears were frozen with the hatred she could see in her mother’s eyes. “You hate me? You never really cared about me?”
“Yes. Hindi kita dapat binuhay kung di lang nalaman ni Papa na buntis ako. He told me that he’d rather kill me himself than have you aborted.”
Noon niya naramdaman kung paano mamatay kahit na buhay pa. Ang marinig sa taong minahal niya buong buhay niya na di siya nito mahal. Akala niya ay di ito katulad ng ibang ina na malambing. That she might love her in her own way. Kaya siya lagi ang nagpapakita ng pagmamahal niya.
But it was futile. She hated her mere existence. She was just a mistake.
“Pabigat lang pala ako sa inyo,” aniya sa mapait na boses. “Habang buong buhay ko, wala akong ginawa kundi mahalin kayo. And I mean nothing to you.”
Walang buhay siya nitong tiningnan. “Don’t give me the tears, Cindra. You know that it annoys me.”
Tumakbo siya sa kuwarto niya. Pakiramdam niya ay hinihiwa ang puso niya. She was shattered to the core. Parang walang kwenta sa kanya na mabuhay sa mundo kung ang taong mismong nagluwal sa kanya ay di siya pinahahalagahan.
Buong buhay niyang pinaniwala ang sarili niya sa ilusyon. Oras na para gumising siya. “I don’t have any reasons to stay here.”
NAKATITIG si Lee sa Ortigas flyover na matatanaw mula sa kuwarto niya sa Galleria Suites. Makulay na makulay ang paligid dahil sa mga Christmas lights at decors. The whole city was buzzing with life. Lahat ng tao ay gumagalaw. Habang tumigil naman ang mundo para sa kanya.
Mula sa mansion sa New Manila ay nagpahatid siya sa taxi. She took her stuffs with her. Samantalang dapat ay doon muna siya sa bahay ng mommy niya hanggang mag-Pasko. But now, things were different. She won’t spend it with her. Tuyo na ang luha niya. Nagsawa na siyang umiyak.
Nang tumunog ang doorbell ay dali-dali niyang binuksan ang pinto. She knew that it was Leonard right away. “Cindra, anong nangyari? Bakit nandito ka?”
Niyakap niya ito at muling namasa ang mata niya. “Leonard! Si Mommy!”
“Bakit anong nangyari sa mommy mo?” tanong nito.
She clung to him and he had to close the door himself. “She hates me,” she said with a sob. “She told me that I am the biggest mistake in her life. Ni minsan daw hindi niya ako minahal.”
“Baka nasabi lang niya iyon dahil masama ang pakiramdam niya o galit siya.”
Umiling siya. “No. Noon ko pa iyon nararamdaman. I was just a fool. Akala ko iba lang siyang magmahal sa karaniwang ina. Until she flung it to my face. I am worthless to her. And I feel worthless, too.”
Pinahid ng daliri nito ang luha niya. “Cindra, don’t say that.”
“Then what kind of person am I, Leonard? I don’t know my father. And my mother doesn’t even love me!”
“You are the woman I love. Wala akong pakialam kung hindi ka mahal ng mommy mo. So what if she doesn’t care about you? I care. I am here for you. Ayokong nakikita kang masasaktan. I won’t allow you to get hurt.”
He kissed her tears away. And little by little, the pain subsided. Leonard loved her indeed. Hindi siya nito iniwan sa oras na kailangan niya ito. “Thanks for being here, Leonard. Kung wala ka, hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Pakiramdam ko ikaw na lang ang kakampi ko.”
“You are a very important part of my life. Siguro bitter pa rin ako sa maraming bagay kung wala ka. It is her problem if she doesn’t appreciate you.”
For a long time, he just held her. Unti-unti na siyang kumalma. Kanina lang, parang sira na ang mundo niya. Now, she felt alive again. “Thanks for loving me, Leonard. Maraming bagay na kulang sa buhay ko. Pinunan mo lahat.”
Inakbayan siya nito at ihinilig ang ulo niya sa balikat nito. “The pain will always be there. Hindi ko siguro maibibigay ang pagmamahal na hahanapin mo sa isang ina. But I will do everything to make you happy.”
“Just love me, Leonard. That’s all I ask.”
She didn’t care if the whole world hated her. Basta mahal siya ni Leonard.
NAKATAYO si Cindra sa terrace ng mansion na inupahan ng mga Lizardo sa Melbourne, Australia. Pinapanood ang manaka-nakang pag-ilaw ng kalangitan dahil sa fireworks. Isang oras na lang ay magba-Bagong Taon na.
“Hey, bakit nandito ka sa labas?” tanong ni Leonard nang samahan siya.
“I know that you have a family affair.” Nag-uusap ang mga Lizardo at ang mommy ni Leonard na si Emily at ang kapatid na si Dashielle. “I don’t want to intrude. Okay na ako dito.”
He grasped her hand. “But you will be a part of the family soon.”
Matipid siyang ngumiti. It was nice to imagine her wedding with Leonard. “Not so soon. Saka bumalik ka na sa loob. Baka hinahanap ka ng mommy mo.”
“I am sorry if she didn’t give you a warm welcome.”
Tumango siya. “Naiintindihan ko naman. It is partly my fault that the whole Lizardo clan found out about you.” But she knew the story behind it.
There was some bad blood between her mother and Emily Gomez. When Emily heard who her mother was, she became colder to her.
Natigil nang pag-uusap nila nang dumating si Emily. “Leonard, your grandfather wants to talk to you and Dashielle.”
She smiled at Leonard. “Sige na. Pumasok ka na.”
Bahagya rin siyang ngumiti kay Emily. Akala kasi niya ay aalis din ito. Subalit naiwan ito sa terrace. “Do you know the story between me and your mother?”
“Not entirely, Ma’am. All I know is that you don’t get along.”
“Nakilala ba niya si Leonard? Alam ba niyang kasama mo kami?”
“Ayaw po niyang magkaroon kami ng relasyon ni Leonard.”
“You must be really brave to come here,” she remarked with a hint of sarcasm.
“Ma’am, sana po hindi makaapekto ang relasyon ninyo ni Mommy sa amin ni Leonard. You see I really love your son.”
Nagkibit-balikat ito. “Darling, I don’t really care about my son’s affairs. Kahit na anak ka pa ng mortal kong kaaway.”
“Thank you, Ma’am.” It is bad enough that her mother despised Leonard. Ayaw niyang mangyari pa iyon sa kanila ni Emily.
“Don’t thank me, Cindra. Wala naman akong ginawa. I still don’t like you for my son but I trust his judgment. He is wise enough to know what he is doing.”
Then she had to prove to her that she deserved Leonard’s love. Na hindi siya kasing-sama tulad ng iniisip nito sa mommy niya. Kung magkakasunod sila ni Emily, matutuwa si Leonard. She’d do it for Leonard.