I don't want to lose Ryan. My heart is filled with extreme distress and apprehension just by thinking about it. I have done it for Marianne but still...
“Fuck, fuck fuck!”
Pulling my hair in distress. The regret ate me up from inside. I felt like crushing under the weight of my deed. The feeling of repulsion for myself is so strong that I want to rip off my skin.
I let out my loud convulsions of misery. Losing myself in the anguish, I cried my heart out.
Utterly deprived of energy, I was turned devoid, nothing came to my mind, I was lost in the abyss. My despair got the best of me.
My heart seeks only one person who is not here; Ryan. So that he can hold me and tell me he is here for me. That he can give solace to my soul.
“Ryan.. come back.. Please..”
I locked myself in the room, crying and feeling empty for the next few days, waiting desperately for Ryan, thinking about no one but him.
I was laying on the bed like a lifeless doll but then the door knocked. I opened the door and saw Dad. He passed me a smile, I lowered my head and opened the door fully for him to enter.
"Rebecca, how long are you going to stay here? Are you missing Ryan that much?" He asked, worried. I just nodded.
"It's not even a week and you are missing him like he has not been here for years."
"Every moment felt like it." I replied, faintly.
"Go out and fresh your mind," he advised.
"I don't want to..." I said.
"Go, you will feel better." He tried to make me understand. I bit my lips and nodded.
Since I don't know where to go, I went to Marianne's place. There I saw Jayden. I blinked and looked at Marianne to give me an explanation about what he is doing here.
"Look Rebecca, you know Jayden works in Fairmont, I am pretty sure Carlos is staying there. Maybe we can find those pictures-" Marianne was saying in hope. I laughed and gave her a side hug.
"My sweet sister, He would have given it to that person the moment he took them. Don't bother Jayden. What's done is done, nothing can happen now."
"No! We can do anything." She argued.
"Make her understand, Jayden. That woman is not listening." I sighed and put my hand over my forehead.
"Don't sigh! I am right, Jayden, tell her." She whined.
"I.. Uh.. " Jayden trailed off nervously.
"Tell me what are you supposed to do?" I asked.
"I..I.. I... " She trailed off. I pinched her cheeks, she pouted and pushed my hand away.
"Okay.. Okay. If you want to keep a track of something.. Keep his exact location, where he is now and where his house is, his clients and recent cases, okay?"I explained.
Even though I have no intention of knowing anything about it, it would be a waste of time but Her face lit up in happiness.
"Sherlock Holmes." I teased.
"That's pretty smart." Jayden complimented.
"It's common sense." I replied.
We were talking but then the doorbell rang again and this time it was Ryan and upon seeing him, the feelings I was holding inside of me burst out.
“Ryan?” I couldn't help it but to engulf him in a hug, wanting nothing but to be held close by him, feeling secure in his arms. Letting out my feelings, desiring him.
Wanting to be with him, I held him as if it's my final destination and I didn't want to go anywhere other than this sweet arms of safe shelter...
***
The darkness of the room terrified me. A horror-stricken shiver traveled to my very core, scaring me to no extent. I don't know what took over me as the voice from inside me told me that I shouldn't let him go.
“Ryan… please, come back.” I whispered, I didn’t have my phone with me either.
I should have told him but I don't have enough courage. Lost in mystifying thoughts, I quickly ran to the door and tried to open it but.. It was locked.
“No, no, no.”
Drowning in the deepest depths of horror, I tried to open the door, I cried for someone to come but no one came.
“Jen!? Open the door! Ryan!”
My breath began to lose itself, my vision blurred due to tears. My legs lost their strength, losing myself in misery.
“Anyone.. Please…”
I turned on the lights and crawled into a corner, horrified, trembling ferociously. I hugged myself close, my mind was clouded with fright, I couldn't think straight, utterly terrified by this, I began to cry.
‘Don't punish me like this, Ryan.. Open the door.’
Somewhere in my heart, I felt like he would open the door soon and gonna hug me close but he didn't come and I kept calling him.
“ANYONE!?”
My heart was torn into pieces, I felt betrayed. Sweat rolled down from my forehead as I felt petrified.
To make the matter worse, the lights went out, I began to cry and scream but it seems like everyone turned oblivious to my cries.
I was crying loudly for someone to come. I banged on the door but no one came. Heartbroken, I kept on crying. Why are you doing this Ryan?
"Even he left you behind." I heard a voice echoing in the room.
"No... " I whispered in pure desperation. My breath began to suffocate me, my mind lost its senses. Life giving up on me, stirring my mind in ultimate agony.
"You will always be alone.. "
Another voice came. I punched the door and yelled, "NO!!"
I kept on crying but to no avail, my heart, my soul, every inch was lost in dread and I couldn't save myself. The gloomy darkness is increasing my terror even more.
"No one loves you."
"IT'S NOT TRUE!" I shouted.
I pulled my hair, I put my hand over my ears but the voices didn't stop. I was losing my consciousness, my breath, my life, everything.
My fears are at their peak, my senses are losing themselves in the murk. My sound of convulsions didn't give me any consolation.
‘You left me all alone in the dark, Ryan.. Is this your revenge?’
“Stop these voices please, Please Ryan, come back. Don’t leave. You promised…”
Overwhelmed by the darkness which is sucking my life out of me. Distraught with heartbreak and fright, I panicked, not knowing how to make these voices stop.
Not being able to bear it anymore, I frantically searched for Ryan's lighter, to get some light. My heart bursting out of my rib cage, terror-stuck, nothing came to my mind to save myself.
I went to the bathroom, filled the tub with water and immersed myself in it..
To stop these voices inside my head... to leave all the things which broke my heart behind....To find redemption…
.. After that, Our path became unsavory, devastation started pushing us away, breaking the bond forged with lies and betrayal...
... I loved you so much that If I stood under the scorching Sun and you told me that it's night, I would believe it. But, it was all in vain because I was never yours... and you were never mine....