Ryan POV:-
My mind is lost in the depth of misery, I cannot comprehend anything around me, my soul is burning in a fiery fire of penitence.
Back then when I heard the clicking sound, I unintentionally locked the door, I was so lost as I couldn't apprehend anything back then.
It’s all my fault, I couldn't be able to tell Rebecca we had lost our child.
‘I am so sorry, what have I done?’
My heart is hurting so much, the pain inflicted on me is crushing me helplessly as I am losing myself in the abyss where the echoing sound of dread is everywhere, calling me a murderer.
My mind lost its ability to think. My breath lost itself, my whole being stopped, nothing in my mind came to give me any justification, any consolation about what had just happened.
My dreams are like shattering under my feet, blaming only me for doing this.
If I told Rebecca we have lost our child she will be devastated and she is not in the condition to bear any pain, it will kill her.
My every soul trembled when she told me I locked the door. An arrow hit me right in the chest.
The sorrows written in my fate breaking me mercilessly, under the terror of losing my sanity, the horror of hearing what has just happened. What have I done..?
The scar given to me will increase from time to time, nothing can save me from this unnerving swamp of repentance and sadness.
Overwhelmed by the feeling of this tormenting dejection, the light of hope fades away. No words can explain the depression I am going through, it's endless.
“I am so sorry…” I rest my head on Rebecca’s lap to give myself some consolation.
“You don’t have to be sorry, I am sorry.” She whispered, kissing my hand.
I remained like this to get some solace to ease the tingling sensation of pain which is so vast that I don’t think I can bear it.
“Don’t go. Stay, please…” She whispered, putting my hand over her forehead.
I am amazed how Rebecca bears the sight of her sIster Jane when she died because of her.
“I won’t…” I sniffed, clinging onto her.
It’s something unbearable, I feel like I can understand her pain, why she decided to push herself away from salvation and chose darkness.
But I am not like you, Rebecca, running away from my sin was never an option for me, you are alive and I need to redeem my mistake, to make things right.
I tried to sleep, holding her close to me, never wanting to leave her ever again.
“YOU DID IT, RYAN!” Rebecca yelled while tears rolled down her cheek without any intention of being stopped,
“No..” I whispered, stumbling back.
“YOU KILLED OUR CHILD! YOU KILLED ME!” She yelled again, taking a step back.
“No.. No.. I Swear.. I didn't mean to..Please Rebecca.”
“YOU LOCKED ME! YOU LEAVE ME ALL ALONE!” She cried her heart out. I was extremely tense. my body froze.
“No, No..”
I couldn’t think, my heart was hurting so much that it made me feel that it’s my last breath.
She let out a loud sob and wiped her tears giving me a look filled with a mixed emotions of hatred, deceived and heartbreak as she hissed,
“I hate you, Ryan.”
“NO!” I woke up with a loud gasp, tears brimmed in my eyes.
“What happened, Ryan? Are you alright?”
A soft and concerned voice of Rebecca came. I quickly sat up and looked at her, panting heavily.
My mind lost its sense as a great terror took over it, leaving me on the verge of a breakdown.
“Oh, God, Rebecca.” My breath was caught up in my throat as I hugged her tightly, I felt like being suffocated, tears spilled out silently.
“Please don’t leave me again.”
Loud sound of my convulsed gasps echoed in the room, eliciting some eerie dread inside me.
“I won’t. It’s okay. I am home now.” Rebecca cupped my cheek, making me look at her. My fragmented gaze met her assuring one.
“It’s okay..” She whispered.
“No it’s not..” I whispered back and the cries I was holding burst out and a sob escaped my lips.
“I am sorry.. I am so sorry..” I cried, hugging her again, holding her as if I would die if I ever let her go.
She patted my back, trying to calm me while running her other hand in my hair. I was crying my heart out, dying to tell her that I failed to protect her.. our child.
“It’s all my fault. I couldn’t save you.. “ I cried.
“Please don’t blame yourself Ryan. I am so weak that I couldn't bear it. You are not responsible for this, stop it Ryan. It hurts to see you like this. Please don’t be like that.”
She whispered in a croaky voice, holding me tightly, nuzzling my neck, giving me a peck and sniffing to not to cry.
“Ryan.. don’t break like that. I promise I will never leave you again. But Please don’t do this.” She whispered, her grip getting tight, trying to refrain herself from crying and shattering like me.
“You have no idea how horrified I was by the thought of losing you.” My lips began to quiver, my whole body began to tremble.
My heart rate is dropping, making me fall into a bottomless pit of misery. My vision can see nothing but the darkness before me.
“I.. don’t know what happened.. It’s just..”
Every inch of my core wants to confess my love for her, to tell her I don't want to lose her, to tell her that we've lost our child, to let out my feelings that are eating me up but I can’t.
“I am sorry you went through this much misery because of me.” I apologized, if I called out to her, I can’t let her go.
“You are the only person who didn’t give me misery.” She whispered.
We are not meant to be together and being with me would give her nothing but misery and no matter how much I want to let out my feelings I can’t.
I want to see her live.
My one call will give her a million reasons to stay and it would be better for us if I let her meet her actual redemption, not something unsavory, not a toxic bond.
But rather something memorable. But at the same time, a voice yelled inside me, Please don’t stop holding her hand.
“You were fine before meeting you, I came into your life as a curse, I am so sorry.” I began to cry at my dilemma, at everything that has happened to me uptil now.
“No, you are getting it all wrong, Ryan. Don’t think like this.”
“Why am I being tested like this? Why do my trepidations never end? I just want a mere instant of everlasting fondness. Why can't I have it?
“But, it’s true…” I was weeping, trying to lighten my heart but my tears evoked tears from Rebecca too and she began to cry as well.
“No, it’s not. That’s why, just stop…” She repeated, begging me to stop.
Struggling hard, I forced my cries to stop again and pulled away. I leaned on the bed and wiped my tears.
Rebecca didn’t let me go, still crying and whispering to me to stop. I put my hand over her back and pulled her in my embrace.
“Ryan, please don’t break. You are my strength. I Can't see you like this.. Please.” I snuggled to her neck and whispered back.
“Sh.. Don’t cry.. I am fine. I am sorry, I just.. Lost control..”
She also forced her cries to stop and we remained like this. Rebecca sniffled and pulled away slowly, not letting go of my shirt.
“Please don’t say it’s your fault. I am weak, not you. Please..” She said in a barely audible tone.
If it gives you any equanimity…
I nodded and turned my head away. She moved to my side and rested her head over my chest.
I turned my head away and put my one hand over my mouth, stopping myself from crying anymore while my other hand held her back.
... I know the feeling of waiting for her on the shore filled with nothing but the memory of being perished after turning oblivious to her pains...