"Where's Rebecca?" I asked.
"With Xavier." Grandma said. She put her hand over my back and began to say,
"Ryan, I know things are difficult for you but it's the same for her. She has accepted you, she has offered herself to you. Don't you think you are being cruel?" I just lowered my head.
"None of us can change what happened in the past but we can change the future. You cannot be stuck in the past, try to fix what has broken rather than pushing it away." Grandma continued.
"Why don't you understand, I cannot forgive myself for what has happened. She kept on saying my love will take her life but I still pushed her past her limits." I said slightly stressed yet dolorous.
“Besides, Doctor Herd said it too, my presence is fatal for her. She is overly dependent on me.”
“Can’t you support her? Even if she is dependent on you, can’t you take the responsibility for it or are you afraid you might grow weary?” Grandma asked with a frown.
“But, I cannot neglect what happened was my fault.”
"You are not the only one, all of us had faults somewhere, especially me. I can’t sleep at night, I feel horrified by what I did. Don't put all the blame on yourself." Mom said sadly.
"Sarah is right, You can't let the past decide what you are today. That child is a gem, I can see the devotion shining in her eyes.”’
“I know, but-”
“Do you know, before you came, Sarah told her that she was the one behind that low act and your wife forgave her, saying thanks to her she has found what she thought she has lost; you.” My heart skipped a beat when I heard it.
“You are her salvation. My Son, don't do this, she needs you."
My eyes widened when I heard it. Did she actually say that? My heart dropped its beat, deep scars appeared on my heart. I just closed my eyes and remained silent.
"Did you know about Carlos' incident?" I spoke up after a brief silence asking Grandma.
"Sarah told me herself, she told me everything but I think Rebecca is perfect for you."
"And what about the child we have lost? " I whispered.
"First, you have to tell her about it or else you can’t move forward,"Mom said.
"Tell me what?"
All three of us hitched when Rebecca came with Dad. My hands turned cold as I remained like a statue.
My eyes widened and I couldn't think of any excuse And I am certainly not ready to tell her about it. My heart skipped a beat when I slowly raised my gaze and looked at Rebecca giving me a questioning look.
"Tell me what?" She asked again, resting her hand on her waist.
"Uh.. T-That.. I-I.. We.. Um.." I stuttered, not being able to say anything. I gulped and tried to speak but no words came out.
"Ah dear, he was just saying that he lo-" Mom was about to say. Petrified that Mom will tell her everything I quickly said.
"I don't want a child for now."
My heart beat so fast as I lied to her. My breathless form looked at Rebecca. She didn't react for a minute but was clearly disheartened.
But soon she forced a smile as the look of sadness and disappointment was clear in her eyes.
“Oh…” She swallowed hard and sniffed, trying to hold her feelings, the fact that my words broke her heart.
"It's okay, Ryan. I-I know you need time. I.. I don't want to force you too." She kept on smiling, hiding her pain.
"Let's leave the couple alone, Sarah, Mother." Dad said. They nodded and left. I looked at Rebecca and stood up. She took a step back and said,
"I'll c-change." She said and quickly left for the bathroom. I want to tell her that I didn't mean to say it like this and broke her heart.
I bit my lips and waited for her to come. I know she would cry and won't show it.
Even though she has stopped hiding her feelings but still cries alone, even if she opens up to me, she still remains uncertain but it's not her fault too, I am the one who is pushing her away.
I am so lost, I couldn't think straight, it's like the right path is in front of me but I can't reach it because there's darkness everywhere. I can't find my way in darkness.
What I think is right might be wrong, my decisions might be fatal for us but I couldn't think of any other way to give her liberation.
Besides, she came to my life as a liability. Our marriage wasn't supposed to work, it wasn't everlasting.
I was determined to let her go and now bound her to the person who she actually loves so then why does it hurt so much?!
Why does my heart hurt whenever the thought of losing her crosses my mind? Why don't I want to get away from her? Why do I want to hold her instead of letting her go?
My thoughts came to a halt when she walked out. Don't be too cold. I mentally prepared myself and began to say,
"Why did you cry?" I questioned, frowning at her.
"Why would I cry?" she counter questioned, frowning back.
"Look, Rebecca, I don't want to be rude and break your heart but it's true. I don't-"
“Am I not beautiful anymore, Ryan?” She cut me off innocently.
“What?” I blinked, perplexed.
“You… don’t touch me anymore, you don’t compliment me anymore. Am I not pretty? Look, I know I lost too much weight but I am eating twice as much, I will be healthy soon. I-”
I can’t believe how much she cares, how she wants to look for me. Why are you so devoted to me?
“No, Rebecca. You are just as bewitching as the first sight.” I breathed out, hoping it might soothe her.
“Then why don’t you touch me anymore?” She asked desperately.
“Why don’t you want a child with me? Do you think I won’t be a good mother? That I can’t take care of a baby?” She asked, voice breaking.
“Rebecca, I am not ready. That is all. Don’t make an argument.” I said strictly.
“But-”
“Enough.” I ordered dominantly which shut her mouth instantly.
"O-Okay, Ryan. Don't worry, I-I won’t bother you." She smiled nervously.
I hummed and laid on my side and turned to face the wall. I closed my eyes and then sensed Rebecca moving close to me.
She sat beside me and put her hand over my back and called me softly, "Ryan."
Please, please, hold me close. Don’t let me go, stay with me. I need you.
I didn't reply and she continued, "Are you sleepy?" I hummed and remained still.
"Even if you were sleepy you never refuse to talk to me. Ryan, turn to me. Even if you don't want to talk, it's fine but look at me at least." She almost pleaded.
Please, Please, Please.
I remain stoic. Her voice broke my heart. She put her chin over my shoulder tracing her fingers over my arm.
My heart clenched for doing this but I have to. She kissed my shoulder and hugged me from behind, "Ryan… please.." She whispered.
"What, Rebecca?! I am tired, let me sleep, okay?" I said exasperated- unwanted. I didn’t mean to raise my voice but I accidentally did which made her shiver.
"What happened, Ryan? Why are you getting angry? You weren't like this before." She asked softly.
I am so sorry, my love.
"I have to bear your demeanor because you weren't okay, now don't cling onto me that much." I said coldly.
An arrow hit me right in the chest, breaking my soul. I bit my cheek, hurting deeply. She hesitantly removed her hand and mumbled.
"I.. I.. forgot.. I was forced upon you… I.. don’t want to be a.. burden.." Her voice became faint. My breath caught up in my throat as I couldn't speak. A silent tear rolled down my cheek as I buried my face in the pillow, killing the cries I wanted to let out.
She moved away from me.
Even if I am scattered in your arms but please allow me to have a little right on you even in delusions, let me call you mine.