The next day, I woke up and saw Ryan sleeping beside me. A smile crept upon my lips when I saw him but It was a sad one and the only question on my mind was,
'Why are you refraining yourself, why are you pushing me away?'
I closed my eyes and remained like this, not wanting this moment to end and wishing that he doesn't go back to his cold personality again.
"Are you awake?" He asked softly, my heart skipped a beat, worried he might not scold me.
I nodded and said faintly, "Thank you." He hummed and shifted.
We both sat up and I kept smiling at him. No words were exchanged between us as we both got ready and he did what my Father did.
What caused me to become a piece of heartless flesh. He made me go through the same circle of pain my father did.
"Learn how to take care of yourself." Ryan said before leaving.
I can bear his every word but this; this broke my heart.
Shattered it to pieces. When you are here then Why do I need anything else?
Losing myself in the flames of his words which are even burning my ashes. Crushed by the weight of his words, I remained stoic.
To let out this feeling, I went to the park to get some alone time and think about it. I was looking at my hands devoid.
I was crushed miserably by the heartbreaking words spoken by Ryan. A needle pricked in my heart. What was the point of finding redemption? Only to break it again?
I shouldn't have trusted Ryan with my emotions in the first place. He broke it all like everyone else.
‘Please, tell me where I should go when I have no place other than Ryan. When there's no one for me other than him. What else can I ask from God other than him?’
There's darkness everywhere and the warmth of his hand is losing and no matter how much I try to not let it slip out of my grasp, it is getting out; breaking me mercilessly.
A tear fell from my eye to my hand. I closed my eyes and leaned back.
"Rebecca.. " I heard my name being called.
I opened my eyes and saw Jayden. I wiped the tears present in the corner of my eyes and smiled at him, "Oh, Jayden."
"What are you doing here?" He asked, sitting beside me.
I shook my head and replied, "Nothing, just a walk."
"Then why are you crying?" He asked.
I shook my head again as He put his hand over my shoulder and continued, "Rebecca when endless smiles turned into despair, it's better to stop them."
My lips began to quiver as I lowered my head and remained silent. Anguish rushed in me, my mind affected drastically by this upheaval.
I grit my teeth to not break apart but it was so hard and no matter how much I try to keep my sorrow to myself I cannot. I gulped and slowly raised my head.
"I am fine, really." I whispered looking at him; still smiling.
He gave my shoulder an assuring squeeze and replied, "Don't hurt yourself." He whispered back.
And my affectation crumbled as a sob escaped my lips. Tears burst out, I let out my agony, the pain given to me. I began to cry out loud and turned to Jayden.
He wrapped his arms around me as I continued to cry. I held his shirt and put my head over his chest, Letting out my sadness.
"Why is Ryan pushing me away?! I need him! I can't live without him! Why is he putting a wall between us?!" I cried burying my face in his chest.
It hurts me so much, right in the chest. It's like I am in a fire and burning in his coldness. His demeanor broke me.
“Why doesn't he get it that he is my solace and I have nothing but him with me. If I don't have him, I cannot even breathe. He is my life.” I continued to sob at my misery as Jayden held me close.
"Shh… don't cry, Rebecca. Don't worry, Everything will be fine."
"I don't understand why he is giving me that much pain, am I that bad?!" I sobbed, my tears soaked his shirt as he continued to rub my back.
He tried to hush me but this didn't calm the ravage inside me. Jayden suddenly cupped my cheeks and made me look at him.
He looked at me with his icy blue gaze. His eyes bore into mine as his face was so close to mine.
"Rebecca. You are a wonderful person. You deserve to be loved and no one can take away your happiness from you. I am with you, I won't let anyone hurt you.” He whispered.
“I am right here with you. I have told you my heart is with you, I will never leave you alone. That's why please. Don't cry." He said deeply, looking at me with in-depth emotions of affection.
His voice was low but held those meanings he wanted to say but I never let him. There's somewhat desperation in his words. I slowly lifted my watery gaze and looked at him.
My grip on his shirt tightened, he was cupping my cheek and our faces were a few centimeters apart. I was panting heavily and so was he.
“You mean the world to me…” My heart skipped a beat as I lost my senses. I swallowed the lump in my throat and leaned in closer to him.
“Please realize my emotion. My heart is crazy for you.” His breath mixed up with mine, my heart began to thump loudly.
He also leaned in, his breath lingered on my face, so close to me. My heart is getting heavy, breath getting hurried, gaze getting soft.
"Rebecca…" He whispered huskily.
I kept looking at him as he continued, "You know what I feel for you. And no matter how much I try to deny it, I can't. I cannot bury my feelings inside me. Rebecca I love you and always will." He said breathlessly.
“Jayden…” I narrowed my eyes on him. My dried lips slightly parted as I mouthed something to him which stiffed him.
My heart clenched as I felt bad for him, I know what I said shattered his heart.
He stopped, everything came to a halt. I gave him a sympathetic look and lowered my gaze. He was deluged in sorrows, he was hurting.
I can't do anything for him but to feel compassion for him. I found myself burning in the same fire as Jayden; the fire of love. Even if it is different, it's the same.
Our lips were at the verge of touching but I know that neither I can move nor I will let him because My heart was never his. I was never his.
"Rebecca."